It’s been a while since I have written my last blog post. The same goes for some of my feelings. This semester I truly feel like I have just been going through the motions, or just getting by.
Last semester, as many of you know was a roller coaster with highs and lows. I truly felt like I reached a significant valley and the only way I knew how to crawl out was bring meaning into my life. I sought that meaning in God, time after time. Begging and pleading with Him. Asking Him why this? Why that? Some of the pieces came together and some did not in searching for the meaning of why this happened?
Some days would be good, the sun would shine down on my face in just a way that I knew God was with me and everything would be okay, the dove was just missing. But, in the next moment, a cloud would block it right then and there and I would feel the exact opposite response. I was drawing meaning out of everything and anything. I was taking out my inner desire of reconciling with a single person out on God. While at the same time I was forgetting just how bad of a person I am.
When ‘bad’ storms come down on my parade I look up and ask God why? Why are you bringing this upon me, this innocent servant of yours? But, who am I kidding, I’m no better than anyone sitting out in county jail. I along with others am saved by nothing, but God’s grace.
I’ve been meditating on a song by Bethel Live called Forever and a Day. There is a line in the song where the band goes off and is in genuine worship with the crowd,
“I’d rather be in the courts with my love than anyone else on earth,… this pleasure with you is more greater than anything this world can offer me.”
I meditate on this last line, that the pleasure of loving my Lord is greater than anything this world can offer me. I say it a loud, I pray it, I listen to it over and over again on my iPod, but do I mean it. When I go to God, why am I complaining and asking Him to look down at me and see my suffering and rescue me from it? When instead I should be in continuous worship with my Lord and telling Him there is no greater thing than this love He shows me.
I am human, I fail so many times and I’m glad God isn’t keeping score. I just want to love God. I want God’s love so much, but I keep looking elsewhere for it, in other people, things, even myself.