Sunday, September 29, 2013

Do I belong?

Sometimes, life puts you in places where you know you belong.  Everything around you feels right.  In facts, the way you walk even feels better.  There’s a certain glow about you, because you’re where you’re where you’re supposed to be, right?  I have many times where I feel like that.  When I encounter a new group of friends, or walk through the doors of a future church home, but now I’m not sure.  I’m having one of my Africa moments.  I have them occasionally, and law school is bringing this one out.  An Africa moment, is where I want to quit everything in the states, move to Africa start an orphanage and teach kids about Jesus and accounting.  This weekend, was fantastic, getting away from law school for a bit, but the drive home felt different. 
I didn’t feel as I belonged on that particular road.  Every song I was listening to feel shallow and without purpose.  No matter how loud I sang the latest cover of Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball, I didn’t feel better about coming back to reading case after case.  Maybe the excitement of law school from the first month is rubbing off, and I’m starting to see what my future holds for the next three years.  Or, maybe I’m learning something else?  My life has always been guided truly in never being comfortable.  Never having a traditional home and family, but I’ve always felt like God put me where I needed to be. 
Yes, there were times when I realized it right then, that God had put me somewhere I needed to be.  But, other times it took me years to realize why I was where, I was.  Maybe this is one of those times where I won’t know exactly what my purpose is, here.  I know you’re reading this and pouncing to let me know your thoughts.  “Joseph, you’re there to get a law degree, to further your education, so one day you can take care of your family.” 
I like reading the Bible, and one thing I love taking from it, is it never wants you to be comfortable.  So, I feel a bit of guilt and shame when I will have locked myself into nearly seven years of post-high school graduation.  Told God, “Hey, show me where to go, but make sure it’s where I choose to attend college/law school!”

“Hey God, make me a fisher of man, but please do it here in Lubbock, I have class here for a while.”

But, then I argue with myself,  “Joseph, you are where God has put you for a reason. “  Who’s reason?  Who’s plan?  Sure, I pray about where I am, but who put me here?  Yes, I believe I have good motives for wanting to go to law school, but did God pick me up and put me in a car and say, “Go to Lubbock, reading case after case, spotting issues for three years, and make a great attorney, and if you have time, tell some people about me.”

            So, as I drove home this weekend, as I approached the bright lights of Lubbock something just didn’t feel right.  A sense of belonging just wasn’t there.  What am I doing in life?  Who am I?  What does God want of me, and does he want me to stay here, in Lubbock?

            Don’t worry, I’ll be at my 8 a.m. I will not be dropping out of law school, but God makes me think.  He teaches me to never be comfortable, and for that I am thankful.

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